Let’s face it, the Australian parliament is a brutal, highly commercialised professional sporting arena. The teams, fierce traditional rivals, contest endless win-at-all-costs blockbusters, testing the rules to gain the slightest advantage. The Speaker (umpire) is accused of bias. Though they don’t receive the media coverage or salaries of our biggest footy stars, our national political representatives play a game familiar to AFL fans.
Question time kicks off at 2pm, a traditional footy commencement. You can’t film anything. Getting tickets involves following elaborate instructions. Your bags are checked before you can enter the stadium. And the attendants can kick you out if they get a complaint about your conduct. It’s just like going to the footy at the ‘G or Darklands. Only one rule needs to be changed to make parliament fully realise the potential of its vicious sporting theatre. Get rid of this: “Be silent in the galleries; applause is not permitted during proceedings.” Footy culture, attacked on gameday by the AFL’s banal stun-volume advertising, is sustained by the pithy poetics of the outer, a set of catchphrases yelled during play that has been unchanged since the days of the place kick. All Question Time needs is noisy utterance of these heartfelt homilies, and atmosphere is gained, democracy saved. You’re welcome, Canberra. If crowd involvement was permitted, here’s how Hansard would have recorded the game played at the House of Reps, Thursday June 18. QUESTIONS WITHOUT NOTICE Mr SHORTEN (Maribyrnong—Leader of the Opposition) (14:00): Can the Prime Minister confirm that the reason his legislation will only be considered by the National Security Committee is that the Prime Minister cannot get it through his full cabinet? Honourable members and public gallery interjecting-- He’s been doing it all day! Mr ABBOTT (Warringah--Prime Minister) (14:00): We are stripping citizenship from terrorists who are dual nationals because if someone leaves this country to fight for a terrorist army in Syria or Iraq we do not want them back. Ms Plibersek: Why don't you show us some legislation? The SPEAKER: The member for Sydney will desist or leave—one or the other. Honourable members and public gallery interjecting-- He’s still got it! How long! Mr ABBOTT: If you leave this country to fight for a terrorist army in Syria or Iraq, you are committing a modern form of treason and we do not want you back. The SPEAKER: If the member for Isaacs is anxious for an early mark, I can accommodate him. Honourable members and public gallery interjecting-- That’s not a free kick umpire! Put the whistle away! You’ve got to pay that! Let go of him! He doesn’t have it! Mr Shorten: That was a disgraceful slur from this desperate Prime Minister. He should withdraw right now. Mr ABBOTT: If I had said something that was untrue, if I had said something that had impugned-- Ms Plibersek: You have said many many things that are untrue. Honourable members and public gallery interjecting-- He’s had it for a week! Too long! How did he get rid of it! He’s hatching it! That’s got to be a free kick you bloody battleship grey and puce maggot! The SPEAKER: The member for Sydney will cease. I know it is Thursday, I know there was a ball last night … Honourable members and public gallery interjecting-- BALL!!!!! The SPEAKER: …. but there seem to be many members who are anxious to leave the chamber, and I am ready and willing to accommodate them. The member for Sydney has the call. I will not tolerate a wall of noise. Honourable members and public gallery interjecting-- BAAAALLLLL!!!!! Comments are closed.
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