The Prime Minister’s advisers are rushing to assure the public that the nation’s leader is in good physical and mental health after it emerged that he regularly eats car parts.
“For the record, he has eaten plastic, steel, glass, most constituent parts of a Camry, but he has never set out to eat a whole car,” said ____________.
“It is time the media and the opposition stopped sidestepping the real issues by focusing on the private lives of those in public office. The PM is in perfect health, has never consumed parts from anyone else’s car, and is perfectly within his rights to eat whatever he likes behind closed doors.”
On Tuesday, the Prime Minister admitted that he often eats car metal, plastic and glass, but he strongly denied he suffered from the rare condition pica, which is associated with the ingestion of non-nutritive substances. He also denied that he ate the substances as a ‘freak show’ to impress others, saying his eating choice was a matter of personal taste and undertaken in private.
__________ confirmed that the nation's most powerful politician had been “diligent” and “extremely responsible” in the manner that he consumed the items. “There are careful preparations one must take, you don’t just jump into this sort of eating and the PM does not condone it for anyone else. He says anyone who feels the urge to eat a car should seek medical advice, as he did.”
The Prime Minister takes mineral oils before eating “indigestible” items and consumes plenty of water while he is eating, and he cuts the items up into very small pieces. The elaborate preparations apparently ensure he remains unaffected by the objects he swallows, which pass through his body without damaging his interior organs.
Yesterday, chief medical officer ___________ bemoaned the poor example the Prime Minister was setting by “normalising unhealthy eating”. Eating disorder advocate ________ criticised the PM’s announcement of his fetish, saying he should have emphasised the danger of abnormal diets.
Opposition Leader ________ mocked the PM’s strange food choices in parliament yesterday, asking “What is wrong with a good old meat pie and mashed potatoes? The Prime Minister of the country should be backing our agriculture industries by announcing that he is eating normal, homegrown foodstuffs which create jobs for Australians.”
But many posters on social media claimed they didn’t care what the PM ate as long as their policy concerns were addressed by the government. Typical of responses was RWard of Newcastle: “I don’t care if he eats dirt if he balances the budget.”
“All politicians are freaks. What’s he doing about the roads?” asked RWard of Wollongong.
And the PM met with support from vegan activist _________. “It may not be very nutritious, but at least he didn’t have to kill anything to get his epicurean rocks off,” she said.
Celebrity chef ________ said most politicians had more conventional palates, and the eating of non-organic items was unlikely to become a fad. “Maybe if people liked or respected him, or if he was a sexy actor or singer, there would be a bigger influence,” he said.
The Treasurer __________made light of the dietary brouhaha, saying “there is a long tradition of those who eat supposedly indigestible items. Google it. You are all complaining about how bland politicians all are, and how we’re all too much alike. I think this goes to prove just how individual we all are behind the scenes.”
Political analyst ________ said the “freaky” announcement would give the PM a minor fillip in the polls, but “weird eating habits won’t change voter intentions in two years,” he said. “And they don’t really make him any more interesting to the public. It is private conduct, of novelty value alone, useful for the cartoonists and hardly anyone else. His image will be largely untouched.”
The PM’s most trusted adviser was unfazed by the discussion of his boss’s unusual palate. “As long as he gets his goodness from other, conventional meals, it could be argued his unconventional snacks are important to maintaining his edge - we shouldn’t mess with whatever it takes for him to be at his best. Some people its yoga, for others it is alfalfa sprouts. The PM just likes a tougher meal, he’s made of tougher stuff. I mean can you imagine any other national politician even considering chowing down on so much as a indicator knob!?” ”
The adviser said the PM did not eat car parts regularly. “It is more of a treat. He is a busy, responsible man, he doesn’t often to eat exactly what he wants when he wants, he is too busy trying to make this country more prosperous and safe, not that easy to do with a recalcitrant senate blocking every constructive move the government puts forward."
Frenchman Michel Lotito, known as “Monsieur Mangetout” (“Mr. Eat-All”), is purported to have consumed approximately one kilogram of “indigestible” material daily. He consumed a Cessna airplane between 1978 and 1980 and ate nine tons of metal between 1959 and 1997. Many performers are able to eat and regurgitate unusual items, a showbiz trope of vaudeville acts since the late 19th century.
Asked if the PM had uncontrollable urges to eat non-organic foodstuffs, the adviser bridled, saying that his boss was “the most controlled person he had ever seen in politics”, and to characterize car-eaters as compulsive was a “slanderous misrepresentation”.
“You like roast chicken, he likes broken windshield glass, it’s as simple as that. It has nothing to do with his ability to lead the country.”
For those with serious eating disorders and in need of assistance, please contact the National Eating Disorders Collaboration: http://www.nedc.com.au/
* This is a fictitious piece and owes no allegiance to any side of politics.