2015 Mock Draft
The annual meat market of young talent is upon us again, and our experts are predicting big shocks at the top end.
Pick 1
Catholic Church
Connor McCallum
Agent says: This kid is not just a franchise player, you should consider closing down your franchise and starting again with this kid as its logo, its guiding light, its transformative icon. This kid is more than a sportsman, he’s a life force. Wilted flowers revive when Connor McCallum gazes upon them, broken household appliances re-start; children laugh then rush to their homework; tubercular old-timers free-dive cough-free; wild animals freeze in awe. He isn’t just good, he is goodness. He will make your forwards warriors, your defence ingenious. He will fireproof your stadium, improve your posture and reduce trolling and the incidence of acid rain. Having this talent bless your club will make you feel like the first man on earth did when he had his first meal. Imagine how hungry that man had been! That hungry Neanderthal is your club, so in need, but not knowing salvation is at hand! The berry the ape-man ate, that is Connor McCallum. He is the berry of life, providing a better future in which you can grow. This kid is hope. He is the sun. I recommend you select him.
Catholic Church says: We require low profile recruits at this stage, and Mr McCallum does not appear to have a great deal of experience in public relations, where we currently have the most pressing gaps on our roster. Though someone of his qualities would undoubtedly make any organisation better, we need someone who can make us look better.
Analyst says: Incredibly, this generational talent might get past the first pick. So deep is the church rebuild that they are recruiting for need rather than choosing the most talented player, a rare strategy at the top of the draft. The church is a cashed-up franchise in a huge market and can withstand not being in contention for the title for longer than smaller rivals.
Pick 2
Two Dollar Shop at Springfield Mall
Jacob Eichel
Agent says: This kid is good left or right, in the air and on the deck and he works as hard back as forward. If you ask him to jump a ten-foot wall, he smashes right through it. He eats his greens, prays, goes to bed early and is already married to the girl-next-door. He is all things to all teams, a can’t-go-wrong, gilt-edged certainty to excel at the highest level. Only McCallum surpasses him as a prospect for sainthood.
Two Dollar Shop at Springfield Mall says: I’m a one-man operation and though sometimes we give a kid some part-time work, I can’t afford to take anyone on right now. And can you get it out there that I am not called the Two Dollar Shop anymore, we haven’t used that name since the ‘90s. It’s SuperBargains, OK, with the capital ‘B’ right up against the lower case ‘r’. No-one can make a living these days selling things for under two bucks. I mean, are you people in the real world?
Analyst says: SuperBargains are small market survivors who make do with a skeleton staff, canny trade deadline purchases and low overheads; their list based on low-cost rookies on short-term contracts. A talent like Eichel would demand a long-term deal on big bucks and would only be at Springfield briefly, so these efficient minnows might pass him by.
Pick 3
BonaFide Real Estate
Charlie Strome
Agent says: This kid does not have the skillset of McCallum and Eichel, but he is still a highly-talented all-rounder. And character? His psych test was off the charts. This kid could do medicine or make the UN work. He is smart, principled, a born leader, and he makes his teammates better human beings. Captaincy material and a great ambassador for your club. Snap him up before he volunteers for kidney and bone marrow donations.
BonaFide Real Estate says: Listen, the most pressing vacancy in our line-up is for a photoshop retoucher. Do you think a straight-A’s pillar-of-the-community hero like Strome is really going to accept being that sort of role player? That position requires skills in creative reinterpretation; you can’t be a literal, truth-is-absolute-kind of guy. Can the guy schmooze, can he hustle, can he charm a skinflint Glen Iris cardigan-wearer to up our commission? The kids we recruit need to have a bit of mongrel in them, a sense of humour and an ability to challenge unworldly notions brainwashed into them by their parents, school and church. I just don’t think such a clean-cut kid is the best fit for us, we need a street-fighter, not a goody-two-shoes. Make sure you spell our team name properly – that capital ‘F’ is right up against the lower-case ‘a’, OK?
Analyst says: Strome does not fit the BonaFide model. They thrive without big crowd numbers by putting together hungry, ruthless bad-boy teams, and pulling off the league’s most audacious trade deals. They remain competitive despite giving the impression they mock the draft.
The annual meat market of young talent is upon us again, and our experts are predicting big shocks at the top end.
Pick 1
Catholic Church
Connor McCallum
Agent says: This kid is not just a franchise player, you should consider closing down your franchise and starting again with this kid as its logo, its guiding light, its transformative icon. This kid is more than a sportsman, he’s a life force. Wilted flowers revive when Connor McCallum gazes upon them, broken household appliances re-start; children laugh then rush to their homework; tubercular old-timers free-dive cough-free; wild animals freeze in awe. He isn’t just good, he is goodness. He will make your forwards warriors, your defence ingenious. He will fireproof your stadium, improve your posture and reduce trolling and the incidence of acid rain. Having this talent bless your club will make you feel like the first man on earth did when he had his first meal. Imagine how hungry that man had been! That hungry Neanderthal is your club, so in need, but not knowing salvation is at hand! The berry the ape-man ate, that is Connor McCallum. He is the berry of life, providing a better future in which you can grow. This kid is hope. He is the sun. I recommend you select him.
Catholic Church says: We require low profile recruits at this stage, and Mr McCallum does not appear to have a great deal of experience in public relations, where we currently have the most pressing gaps on our roster. Though someone of his qualities would undoubtedly make any organisation better, we need someone who can make us look better.
Analyst says: Incredibly, this generational talent might get past the first pick. So deep is the church rebuild that they are recruiting for need rather than choosing the most talented player, a rare strategy at the top of the draft. The church is a cashed-up franchise in a huge market and can withstand not being in contention for the title for longer than smaller rivals.
Pick 2
Two Dollar Shop at Springfield Mall
Jacob Eichel
Agent says: This kid is good left or right, in the air and on the deck and he works as hard back as forward. If you ask him to jump a ten-foot wall, he smashes right through it. He eats his greens, prays, goes to bed early and is already married to the girl-next-door. He is all things to all teams, a can’t-go-wrong, gilt-edged certainty to excel at the highest level. Only McCallum surpasses him as a prospect for sainthood.
Two Dollar Shop at Springfield Mall says: I’m a one-man operation and though sometimes we give a kid some part-time work, I can’t afford to take anyone on right now. And can you get it out there that I am not called the Two Dollar Shop anymore, we haven’t used that name since the ‘90s. It’s SuperBargains, OK, with the capital ‘B’ right up against the lower case ‘r’. No-one can make a living these days selling things for under two bucks. I mean, are you people in the real world?
Analyst says: SuperBargains are small market survivors who make do with a skeleton staff, canny trade deadline purchases and low overheads; their list based on low-cost rookies on short-term contracts. A talent like Eichel would demand a long-term deal on big bucks and would only be at Springfield briefly, so these efficient minnows might pass him by.
Pick 3
BonaFide Real Estate
Charlie Strome
Agent says: This kid does not have the skillset of McCallum and Eichel, but he is still a highly-talented all-rounder. And character? His psych test was off the charts. This kid could do medicine or make the UN work. He is smart, principled, a born leader, and he makes his teammates better human beings. Captaincy material and a great ambassador for your club. Snap him up before he volunteers for kidney and bone marrow donations.
BonaFide Real Estate says: Listen, the most pressing vacancy in our line-up is for a photoshop retoucher. Do you think a straight-A’s pillar-of-the-community hero like Strome is really going to accept being that sort of role player? That position requires skills in creative reinterpretation; you can’t be a literal, truth-is-absolute-kind of guy. Can the guy schmooze, can he hustle, can he charm a skinflint Glen Iris cardigan-wearer to up our commission? The kids we recruit need to have a bit of mongrel in them, a sense of humour and an ability to challenge unworldly notions brainwashed into them by their parents, school and church. I just don’t think such a clean-cut kid is the best fit for us, we need a street-fighter, not a goody-two-shoes. Make sure you spell our team name properly – that capital ‘F’ is right up against the lower-case ‘a’, OK?
Analyst says: Strome does not fit the BonaFide model. They thrive without big crowd numbers by putting together hungry, ruthless bad-boy teams, and pulling off the league’s most audacious trade deals. They remain competitive despite giving the impression they mock the draft.
